No Longer in the Ghetto

It has been forever, I know. How much has changed in a little over a year you ask? Well, for starters:
-- I no longer live in the freakin' ghetto. I finally moved out of Joel's place and back into my own wonderful house which I spent a ton of money remodeling.
-- I'm back to teaching. I interviewed like crazy in Spring 2007 and finally got a job teaching 2nd grade in the District 27J.
-- I am still not dating, but thinking about it. Just have to work on putting myself out there. I just can't help but think about the last time I found someone through match.com, fell head over heels, and it didn't work out. The memories still haunt me, and it was only a month we went out in 2003. Five years ago.
-- My ex-husband is still married to that Tammy chick and they have a baby girl who will be 1 in August. They are expecting another one in December.

This last bit of news makes me somewhat depressed. I don't know why I can't seem to move on. I'm not sure how I'm ever supposed to meet anyone. I don't go anywhere or do anything, and I just feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've got Ty for now, who will be 3 years old in one more week. But one day he'll be grown up and it'll be just me. At least I hate cats so I can avoid that cliche.

This will be my last post here, seeing as how I no longer live in the ghetto. And here's something funny: Yesterday Ty was crying in the car "I don't wanna go to Papa's house!" I told him he needed to tell his daddy to buy a new house. So as soon as we pull up to the trailer and I open the car door, Joel comes out and Ty screams at him "Buy a new house Papa!" It was cute and heartbreaking at the same time. I can only thank the Goddess that my son has at least one nice home in a decent neighborhood. I will never live in the ghetto again.

Tonight I learned that my ex-husband is remarried

Tonight I learned that my ex-husband is remarried. It is an awful feeling. There is this sickening dread in the pit of my stomach, and I just feel so... alone now. I've cried a few times. I certainly didn't expect to read that he was married now. Especially tonight since I've been going through some very old files from the early 1990s, throwing paperwork out and making a "needs to be shreded" pile, and saving some stuff to send to him and saving some stuff for me.

Then I decided to log into his hotmail account, which I've been doing once a month or two ever since we were separated in 2001. God, I've been snooping for about 6 years now; the guy hasn't changed his password and I just can't help it. I am nosy. Most of the emails are mundane, just stuff ordered from Amazon.com, dating advice columns, eBay watch lists, travel itineraries. Occasionally he'll receive mail from friends and this gives me some insight into what's going on in his life, but not much. This is how I found out he was married. A former neighbor of his, whom I've met a couple of times, sent him a message saying thanks for a gift and congratulations on the marriage.

I think my heart stopped, and that's when I felt sick. It is 5:30 in the morning but I know I can't sleep. I'm just semi-devastated. Here I was going through all this nostalgic paperwork-- furniture we bought, credit card statements, lease agreements-- thinking that one day we will get back together and re-marry. I still love him so much. But now he is married to another woman. Her name is Tammy or Tammie, from what I gather from the emails. They are buying land up in Nova Scotia and going to Hawaii at the end of May. Tammy Fuller.

I searched all the major photo-sharing sites and couldn't find an account under his name. I know there's wedding photos because the email from Mike indicated as such. Either 1) they don't have any photos uploaded to a site, or 2) they're under her name and account, the most likely scenario since it is usually the woman who handles photo details.

I feel broken. I feel like my life is complete crap. No job, no friends, no boyfriend/lover/husband or anyone, no house (that I live in), no money. I'm fat. The only thing that is probably saving me right now is my little boy, whom I do love very much, and I know I can't just leave this earth because I'm hurting. But I've been hurting for so long now. It feels like it's never going to end.

But I guess one of the reasons I left my marriage is because I was so unhappy, and I felt like I was making my husband miserable as well. I just wanted to be alone and not expose him or anyone else to my despair, which I couldn't really explain. Most of all, I wanted him to be happy and experience life without me. I didn't think I was good for him anymore. I felt like I was dragging him down and he deserved better. At the time, I didn't know nor did I understand that I was suffering from depression. No freakin' clue whatsoever. It started after my mother died and I went off the pill. Then Braden was sent overseas for a few months to Germany. Prior to that he was gone quite a bit as well, and I just adjusted to being on my own. I thought that's what I wanted.

If I could go back in time, God the things I would do differently. I regret so badly starting the separation and filing for divorce. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. So here I sit at my laptop in my tiny room in a trailer. I feel like I have no future. I really feel like just giving up. My life is pitiful; I am pitiful. I wish so badly that I could talk to my brother. I wish he would come visit me from the Great Beyond and give me some advice. I wish the tears would stop falling as I type.

Why Joel is a Jackass part 3

I could go on forever but this is going to be the last post about this. Joel is a jackass because on my first Christmas Eve here in 2003, alone and about 6 weeks pregnant, he told me "I'm NOT in love with you." He thought he should be honest, he said. I was a complete mess the rest of the day. This is a few days or so after he gave me a belated birthday gift: a Phillips Sonicare toothbrush. And this is also a few days or so after I was scheduled to terminate the pregnancy, but I changed my mind and told him so. He had given me $400 cash too. He's a jackass for not wanting a baby, for not wanting it with me, for not wanting to marry me. He's a jackass for not caring for me better during my pregnancy, for letting me shovel my driveway in April 2005 after a blizzard hit, for all the crap he did and all the things he should have done while I was on bedrest for two months. Now he has a gorgeous, sweet 20-month old son whom he loves to pieces and adores, and I can't help but always think 'yeah, he wouldn't even exist if it weren't for me.' Jackass! He is out of town this week in Montana, so I have my breathing space, thank Goddess.

On another note, I drove down to Cherry Creek School District offices today to pick up a hire packet. I applied online for regular teacher jobs and as a substitute. Afterward, I got a little lost trying to find the Arapahoe County Sherriff's office to get my fingerprinting done and didn't make it there in time. From there it took only five minutes to get to Park Meadows mall where I spent 4 hours shopping and didn't even make it to The Limited. We arrived at 5 o'clock, and first Ty and I used the restroom and ate some Renzio's gyro, Greek potatoes and spinach rice. It was soooooo good! They give you a ton of food too. We went to babyGap, Gymboree, Dillards, Macy's, Franklin Covey, Nordstrom, and finally Banana Republic. We got clothes! I was slightly depressed knowing I couldn't really afford to buy new clothes, but all I got was a short-sleeve spring blouse from Macy's, 3 pairs of DKNY panties from Nordstrom, and a pair of pants, a skirt, a sweater and a short sweater shrug-like jacket from Banana. Ty got two shirts and a pair of jeans from Gymboree; how that came to $40 I do not know.

I am going to lay in bed now and read some from the book I ordered Sunday night/Monday morning that will help me answer all those dumb questions from the TeacherInsight survey that some of the school districts are using to assess teacher candidates when they apply for jobs. Well, that, and I think it'll be a good read, and I haven't purchased a hardback book in, oh, forever.

Why Joel is a Jackass part 2

Joel is a jackass because he is so cheap. He won't spend any money on anything he can get for free from other people. His chipped plates and barbeque grill came from his friend. He doesn't buy a whole lot for Tyson because he knows I will buy it or my dad and stepmom will send it. For Christmas, Joel spent less than $20 for Tyson's gift. I spent maybe about $200 or so, and my dad and stepmom spent more than that I'm sure. I know it's not about how much money is spent on the gift, but come on! Twenty bucks for two little Shake-n-Go racecars and that's it? Pathetic. He could have at least got him the race tracks that go with the cars too. Cheap bastard.

I had to take semi-warm showers for months because Joel got some stupid tankless water heater that was supposed to heat the water on demand and never run out. Well, because this is a trailer and the water in the ground is fucking freezing cold, the stupid-ass thing couldn't heat the water up enough. It was miserable. I finally told him at the beginning of January that if he didn't do something about the water heater, I wasn't going to live here anymore. Well, it took several weeks, but we finally have 120 degree water, thank God. But the dumbass was so cheap that he didn't go to Home Depot or Lowes for a water heater. No.... he had to order it on online.

Right now I'm very angry with him and have been for a few days. He refuses to discuss something criminal he did back in Smalltown Cali when he was younger. I know what he did because one of his sisters filled me in on it about a year ago. But before then, he never volunteered this information and when I casually asked him if he had ever been in trouble with the law, he said once in Smalltown but it was a long time ago and has nothing to do with the here and now. I kept pressing him and he said to just let it go. I was livid then and was determined to find out. So I did and felt somewhat satisfied that I knew the story, but upset nevertheless that he would not and did not ever let me know his version of the events, which has to do with his being 18 and having sex with a girl who was 16 or 17 I think. The issue came up again recently because I picked up the mail and noticed a letter from a lawyer in Smalltown Cali. I asked Joel what it was about, and after he read it, he whooped and hollered for joy, saying simply that he had had a "youthful indescretion" but that now it was expunged from his record. He did not know that I had found out most of the details of this "youthful indescretion" so we left it at that that day.

The next evening, this past Tuesday actually, we were in the office and I asked if I could read the letter. He said no, it's private. I railed into him about how I've been duped and how he is a deceiving person. He said I'm just being nosy. I told him I'm not just being nosy because I already know what the legal situation is all about. I just want him to be honest with me and come clean, but he absolutely refused. Fucking asshole. So I haven't really been speaking to him since then; just when I have to communicate with him about Tyson and that's it.

I feel like there's all this venom inside me. I have such disdain for him and it feels like poison that needs to be purged and I don't know how to get rid of it. I just want to move out of this rotten hellhole. I have new tenants who signed a rental contract though so I can't move back into my house, which I want to so badly because 1) I want outta the ghetto; and 2) I'm obsessed with remodeling my kitchen.

I have spent almost everyday researching materials for my kitchen. I just want new countertops, new appliances, new floor, new sink, new backsplash, some paint, and two or three hanging pendant lights to go over the counterheight seating area. I am obsessed. I watch HGTV videos online almost everyday. I go to quartz countertop websites and link to other kitchen design sites for ideas. I have photos I've taken and I look at them trying to imagine how new stuff will look. Tonight I wasted time in Photoshop trying to erase the barheight counters in a picture and draw in new counters. Of course I have no spatial abilities whatsoever, so it looked totally lame. Plus I'm terrible with Photoshop because I'm not familiar with it. Of course I'm obsessed with all this and I HAVE NO MONEY.

I finally applied as a sub with Brighton school district. That was last week and I still haven't heard from them. I went to a job fair last Saturday, which was a waste of time and $10 because all the interview slots were filled. I did get some information that is somewhat comforting, like Douglas County schools hired 450 new teachers. But of course there were 6,000 applicants. How depressing. I just want to get back into teaching because I know I'll be making about $50K a year for working 185 days with summers off and vacation at Christmas and Spring Break. I applied and interviewed for that stupid Children's Librarian in Louisville, but I guess no one impressed the old bitties because the job was re-posted. I just want to start earning some money again because I've basically run out of it. All that money from selling my house in California-- gone, except for a few thousand I put in my IRA and a couple grand in the 529s for my nephew and oldest niece in Florida. I am going into debt once again. God this sucks.

Why Joel is a Jackass part 1

This is just going to be a stream of conciousness kind of writing, so here goes...

These are just some red flags very early in the relationship that I really should have paid closer attention to. In May 2004 when I was still living in Smalltown Cali, Joel made arrangements for me to fly to Denver to visit him one weekend. He had me on three-way conversation with United Airlines, and at first I couldn't believe he was actually going to foot the bill for the trip. Well, he was just using one of his free flying certificates or something like that. But the point is, I heard him give his address to the agent, and I thought I knew it because I had looked it up online one time to send him a card, which he received, but then I heard him say "Number 468." What the hell is that? I thought he lived in a house. He was always talking about his house.

When we were done with the United agent, I asked him, "Ummm... what's 468?" He said it's a lot number. I remember a feeling of chilliness going through me. A LOT NUMBER? I asked him if he lived in a trailer park. "A manufactured housing community," he said. I remember feeling angry. This is the first time I'm finding out about all this. I felt deceived. And yet I visited anyway, and here I am today. And for God's sake: It is a trailer park!

Another reason he's a jackass is because he hid the real nature of "his business" from me for so long. He never came out and told me it was Amway (now repackaged as Quixtar, same shit, different name). I eventually figured it out on my own, but that's just another red flag. Who really believes that they'll get rich off of that crap? Another thing I should have paid attention to before moving out here. This whole "business" thing has been a real source of contention for us over the years. When Ty was two or three weeks old, Joel insisted he had to go to Portland, Oregon for a function, a "family reunion" they call it. I am still angry and bitter that he left me with a newborn by myself for three days while he went to this stupid thing. The good news now is, I believe he's finally quit the idiotic "business" to concentrate on school. But still, if anyone ever tells you he's involved in Quixtar, run! Run away fast! It means they are stupid.

One final thought for today: Joel convinced me to "move myself" when it was time to pack up my home in Cali and go to Denver. I had called a few movers to get quotes; all were from out of town and all sounded very suspicious. I wanted to go with the local United Van Lines to pack me up, but of course being June 2004, they were already booked solid. Joel told me over the phone: "Just get a U-haul. Do your own move. You need to relate to other people." I remember feeling so angry with him. In retrospect of course, I should have to told him to Fuck Off, I'm not moving after all. But I so desperately wanted to change my life, and I thought changing locations would do it. I wanted to go somewhere where I knew someone.

I reserved a U-haul but one never appeared because everyone was leaving the state with them and no one was moving to the central coast to bring them in. I ended up calling Shady Moving Company which came and got my stuff, leading to a whole big mess which is another story entirely.

Holidays Suck

When I was a kid, I didn't understand why some adults hated the holidays and got depressed. Now that I'm 36 years old, I completely get it. I have almost come to despise this time of year. That is because when one is alone, the holidays magnify that singleness.

It is Christmas Eve, and we have no tree up, no decorations, NOTHING, save for four festive placemats on the dining room table. I've purchased all of Tyson's gifts, and "Santa" even scored an elusive TMX Elmo for him, albeit from the Evil Empire on line. I'm glad I finished all my shopping earlier this week, because that Blizzard hit Wednesday morning and we've been snowed in since then.

Joel's been a real jackass lately. I really can't stand him anymore. I just want out of here. I am lonely, miserable, and very angry with myself and my life. My renters have broken their lease and now I'm trying to find new tenants. No luck yet. My savings are dwindling down to their last few thousands, so I'm definitely going to have to find some type of income, but I don't know what the hell I want to do. Go back to teaching? or go into the civilian world?

Do I stay here and teach? I am considering, once again as I did 3 years ago, a move to Atlanta, a populous city with opportunities for work, dating, and housing. I would be somewhat closer to my family in Panama City, Fla. I would try to sell my house here, though I don't know how fast it would sell and how much I could get. I've only seriously, and I mean super seriously, been thinking about all this for about 12 hours now. It has always been in the back of my mind for the past two years, but I don't want to move Tyson away from his father. But I am so incredibly unhappy that I know I need to do something because I am descending into THE PIT again and I just don't want to be there. Everything should be so easy, but it's not.

I just want to run away from everything here.

Stupid Internet Explorer

I just lost about an hour's worth of typing an entry because of stupid IE closing down on me, and because I wasn't smart enough to save what I'd been typing. Needless to say, I'm pissed.