Tonight I learned that my ex-husband is remarried

Tonight I learned that my ex-husband is remarried. It is an awful feeling. There is this sickening dread in the pit of my stomach, and I just feel so... alone now. I've cried a few times. I certainly didn't expect to read that he was married now. Especially tonight since I've been going through some very old files from the early 1990s, throwing paperwork out and making a "needs to be shreded" pile, and saving some stuff to send to him and saving some stuff for me.

Then I decided to log into his hotmail account, which I've been doing once a month or two ever since we were separated in 2001. God, I've been snooping for about 6 years now; the guy hasn't changed his password and I just can't help it. I am nosy. Most of the emails are mundane, just stuff ordered from Amazon.com, dating advice columns, eBay watch lists, travel itineraries. Occasionally he'll receive mail from friends and this gives me some insight into what's going on in his life, but not much. This is how I found out he was married. A former neighbor of his, whom I've met a couple of times, sent him a message saying thanks for a gift and congratulations on the marriage.

I think my heart stopped, and that's when I felt sick. It is 5:30 in the morning but I know I can't sleep. I'm just semi-devastated. Here I was going through all this nostalgic paperwork-- furniture we bought, credit card statements, lease agreements-- thinking that one day we will get back together and re-marry. I still love him so much. But now he is married to another woman. Her name is Tammy or Tammie, from what I gather from the emails. They are buying land up in Nova Scotia and going to Hawaii at the end of May. Tammy Fuller.

I searched all the major photo-sharing sites and couldn't find an account under his name. I know there's wedding photos because the email from Mike indicated as such. Either 1) they don't have any photos uploaded to a site, or 2) they're under her name and account, the most likely scenario since it is usually the woman who handles photo details.

I feel broken. I feel like my life is complete crap. No job, no friends, no boyfriend/lover/husband or anyone, no house (that I live in), no money. I'm fat. The only thing that is probably saving me right now is my little boy, whom I do love very much, and I know I can't just leave this earth because I'm hurting. But I've been hurting for so long now. It feels like it's never going to end.

But I guess one of the reasons I left my marriage is because I was so unhappy, and I felt like I was making my husband miserable as well. I just wanted to be alone and not expose him or anyone else to my despair, which I couldn't really explain. Most of all, I wanted him to be happy and experience life without me. I didn't think I was good for him anymore. I felt like I was dragging him down and he deserved better. At the time, I didn't know nor did I understand that I was suffering from depression. No freakin' clue whatsoever. It started after my mother died and I went off the pill. Then Braden was sent overseas for a few months to Germany. Prior to that he was gone quite a bit as well, and I just adjusted to being on my own. I thought that's what I wanted.

If I could go back in time, God the things I would do differently. I regret so badly starting the separation and filing for divorce. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. So here I sit at my laptop in my tiny room in a trailer. I feel like I have no future. I really feel like just giving up. My life is pitiful; I am pitiful. I wish so badly that I could talk to my brother. I wish he would come visit me from the Great Beyond and give me some advice. I wish the tears would stop falling as I type.