Tonight I learned that my ex-husband is remarried

Tonight I learned that my ex-husband is remarried. It is an awful feeling. There is this sickening dread in the pit of my stomach, and I just feel so... alone now. I've cried a few times. I certainly didn't expect to read that he was married now. Especially tonight since I've been going through some very old files from the early 1990s, throwing paperwork out and making a "needs to be shreded" pile, and saving some stuff to send to him and saving some stuff for me.

Then I decided to log into his hotmail account, which I've been doing once a month or two ever since we were separated in 2001. God, I've been snooping for about 6 years now; the guy hasn't changed his password and I just can't help it. I am nosy. Most of the emails are mundane, just stuff ordered from Amazon.com, dating advice columns, eBay watch lists, travel itineraries. Occasionally he'll receive mail from friends and this gives me some insight into what's going on in his life, but not much. This is how I found out he was married. A former neighbor of his, whom I've met a couple of times, sent him a message saying thanks for a gift and congratulations on the marriage.

I think my heart stopped, and that's when I felt sick. It is 5:30 in the morning but I know I can't sleep. I'm just semi-devastated. Here I was going through all this nostalgic paperwork-- furniture we bought, credit card statements, lease agreements-- thinking that one day we will get back together and re-marry. I still love him so much. But now he is married to another woman. Her name is Tammy or Tammie, from what I gather from the emails. They are buying land up in Nova Scotia and going to Hawaii at the end of May. Tammy Fuller.

I searched all the major photo-sharing sites and couldn't find an account under his name. I know there's wedding photos because the email from Mike indicated as such. Either 1) they don't have any photos uploaded to a site, or 2) they're under her name and account, the most likely scenario since it is usually the woman who handles photo details.

I feel broken. I feel like my life is complete crap. No job, no friends, no boyfriend/lover/husband or anyone, no house (that I live in), no money. I'm fat. The only thing that is probably saving me right now is my little boy, whom I do love very much, and I know I can't just leave this earth because I'm hurting. But I've been hurting for so long now. It feels like it's never going to end.

But I guess one of the reasons I left my marriage is because I was so unhappy, and I felt like I was making my husband miserable as well. I just wanted to be alone and not expose him or anyone else to my despair, which I couldn't really explain. Most of all, I wanted him to be happy and experience life without me. I didn't think I was good for him anymore. I felt like I was dragging him down and he deserved better. At the time, I didn't know nor did I understand that I was suffering from depression. No freakin' clue whatsoever. It started after my mother died and I went off the pill. Then Braden was sent overseas for a few months to Germany. Prior to that he was gone quite a bit as well, and I just adjusted to being on my own. I thought that's what I wanted.

If I could go back in time, God the things I would do differently. I regret so badly starting the separation and filing for divorce. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. So here I sit at my laptop in my tiny room in a trailer. I feel like I have no future. I really feel like just giving up. My life is pitiful; I am pitiful. I wish so badly that I could talk to my brother. I wish he would come visit me from the Great Beyond and give me some advice. I wish the tears would stop falling as I type.

Why Joel is a Jackass part 3

I could go on forever but this is going to be the last post about this. Joel is a jackass because on my first Christmas Eve here in 2003, alone and about 6 weeks pregnant, he told me "I'm NOT in love with you." He thought he should be honest, he said. I was a complete mess the rest of the day. This is a few days or so after he gave me a belated birthday gift: a Phillips Sonicare toothbrush. And this is also a few days or so after I was scheduled to terminate the pregnancy, but I changed my mind and told him so. He had given me $400 cash too. He's a jackass for not wanting a baby, for not wanting it with me, for not wanting to marry me. He's a jackass for not caring for me better during my pregnancy, for letting me shovel my driveway in April 2005 after a blizzard hit, for all the crap he did and all the things he should have done while I was on bedrest for two months. Now he has a gorgeous, sweet 20-month old son whom he loves to pieces and adores, and I can't help but always think 'yeah, he wouldn't even exist if it weren't for me.' Jackass! He is out of town this week in Montana, so I have my breathing space, thank Goddess.

On another note, I drove down to Cherry Creek School District offices today to pick up a hire packet. I applied online for regular teacher jobs and as a substitute. Afterward, I got a little lost trying to find the Arapahoe County Sherriff's office to get my fingerprinting done and didn't make it there in time. From there it took only five minutes to get to Park Meadows mall where I spent 4 hours shopping and didn't even make it to The Limited. We arrived at 5 o'clock, and first Ty and I used the restroom and ate some Renzio's gyro, Greek potatoes and spinach rice. It was soooooo good! They give you a ton of food too. We went to babyGap, Gymboree, Dillards, Macy's, Franklin Covey, Nordstrom, and finally Banana Republic. We got clothes! I was slightly depressed knowing I couldn't really afford to buy new clothes, but all I got was a short-sleeve spring blouse from Macy's, 3 pairs of DKNY panties from Nordstrom, and a pair of pants, a skirt, a sweater and a short sweater shrug-like jacket from Banana. Ty got two shirts and a pair of jeans from Gymboree; how that came to $40 I do not know.

I am going to lay in bed now and read some from the book I ordered Sunday night/Monday morning that will help me answer all those dumb questions from the TeacherInsight survey that some of the school districts are using to assess teacher candidates when they apply for jobs. Well, that, and I think it'll be a good read, and I haven't purchased a hardback book in, oh, forever.

Why Joel is a Jackass part 2

Joel is a jackass because he is so cheap. He won't spend any money on anything he can get for free from other people. His chipped plates and barbeque grill came from his friend. He doesn't buy a whole lot for Tyson because he knows I will buy it or my dad and stepmom will send it. For Christmas, Joel spent less than $20 for Tyson's gift. I spent maybe about $200 or so, and my dad and stepmom spent more than that I'm sure. I know it's not about how much money is spent on the gift, but come on! Twenty bucks for two little Shake-n-Go racecars and that's it? Pathetic. He could have at least got him the race tracks that go with the cars too. Cheap bastard.

I had to take semi-warm showers for months because Joel got some stupid tankless water heater that was supposed to heat the water on demand and never run out. Well, because this is a trailer and the water in the ground is fucking freezing cold, the stupid-ass thing couldn't heat the water up enough. It was miserable. I finally told him at the beginning of January that if he didn't do something about the water heater, I wasn't going to live here anymore. Well, it took several weeks, but we finally have 120 degree water, thank God. But the dumbass was so cheap that he didn't go to Home Depot or Lowes for a water heater. No.... he had to order it on online.

Right now I'm very angry with him and have been for a few days. He refuses to discuss something criminal he did back in Smalltown Cali when he was younger. I know what he did because one of his sisters filled me in on it about a year ago. But before then, he never volunteered this information and when I casually asked him if he had ever been in trouble with the law, he said once in Smalltown but it was a long time ago and has nothing to do with the here and now. I kept pressing him and he said to just let it go. I was livid then and was determined to find out. So I did and felt somewhat satisfied that I knew the story, but upset nevertheless that he would not and did not ever let me know his version of the events, which has to do with his being 18 and having sex with a girl who was 16 or 17 I think. The issue came up again recently because I picked up the mail and noticed a letter from a lawyer in Smalltown Cali. I asked Joel what it was about, and after he read it, he whooped and hollered for joy, saying simply that he had had a "youthful indescretion" but that now it was expunged from his record. He did not know that I had found out most of the details of this "youthful indescretion" so we left it at that that day.

The next evening, this past Tuesday actually, we were in the office and I asked if I could read the letter. He said no, it's private. I railed into him about how I've been duped and how he is a deceiving person. He said I'm just being nosy. I told him I'm not just being nosy because I already know what the legal situation is all about. I just want him to be honest with me and come clean, but he absolutely refused. Fucking asshole. So I haven't really been speaking to him since then; just when I have to communicate with him about Tyson and that's it.

I feel like there's all this venom inside me. I have such disdain for him and it feels like poison that needs to be purged and I don't know how to get rid of it. I just want to move out of this rotten hellhole. I have new tenants who signed a rental contract though so I can't move back into my house, which I want to so badly because 1) I want outta the ghetto; and 2) I'm obsessed with remodeling my kitchen.

I have spent almost everyday researching materials for my kitchen. I just want new countertops, new appliances, new floor, new sink, new backsplash, some paint, and two or three hanging pendant lights to go over the counterheight seating area. I am obsessed. I watch HGTV videos online almost everyday. I go to quartz countertop websites and link to other kitchen design sites for ideas. I have photos I've taken and I look at them trying to imagine how new stuff will look. Tonight I wasted time in Photoshop trying to erase the barheight counters in a picture and draw in new counters. Of course I have no spatial abilities whatsoever, so it looked totally lame. Plus I'm terrible with Photoshop because I'm not familiar with it. Of course I'm obsessed with all this and I HAVE NO MONEY.

I finally applied as a sub with Brighton school district. That was last week and I still haven't heard from them. I went to a job fair last Saturday, which was a waste of time and $10 because all the interview slots were filled. I did get some information that is somewhat comforting, like Douglas County schools hired 450 new teachers. But of course there were 6,000 applicants. How depressing. I just want to get back into teaching because I know I'll be making about $50K a year for working 185 days with summers off and vacation at Christmas and Spring Break. I applied and interviewed for that stupid Children's Librarian in Louisville, but I guess no one impressed the old bitties because the job was re-posted. I just want to start earning some money again because I've basically run out of it. All that money from selling my house in California-- gone, except for a few thousand I put in my IRA and a couple grand in the 529s for my nephew and oldest niece in Florida. I am going into debt once again. God this sucks.