He's Gay Straight
Early Sunday morning, at 2:30 A.M. or so, the phone rang and my heart stopped for a second when the guy on the other end started talking. I thought it was Del, my former pseudo-boyfriend from Cali. (I know, I'm pathetic, to have two of these kinds of relationships.) After about 20 seconds of my heart palpitating, I asked "Who is this?"
"This is Joel. Don't fuck with me, okay?"
He was drunk of course. And his voice sounded all high and gay and drunk, exactly like Del's, and the only time he used to call me was when he was drunk. That was the only time he found me attractive too and wanted to have sex with me. Asshole.
So Joel was drunk and Gordon was passed out in his Jeep. Joel didn't know what to do. What a moron. I told him to call a taxi; that's a lot cheaper than getting a DUI. Then he proceeded to tell me how he met this guy Chris in the bar, and Chris looked familiar. So they started chatting and it turns out that Chris sold Joel some carpet from Home Depot about a year ago. Then Chris starts putting out "gay vibes" to Joel. Joel gets this a lot. He says he's not gay, but I say he has quite a few gay tendencies. According to me, he's a gay-straight male, meaning he is heterosexual but with lots of homosexual qualities and mannerisms. For example, his laugh. Joel does this high-pitched girly laugh. It's embarrassing really when he does it in public. One time he did the laugh at a friend's house and he jumped up and down while clapping his hands. His friend and I glanced at each other in an Oh-my-God-that's-so-gay moment.
Even my friend Julia, the one who will be here on Saturday from Cali, thought for the longest time that he was gay. She has known Joel for about 20 years, and she is the one who introduced us, an event she wishes had never happened and has apologized profusely for, but that is another story for another day. Joel went to high school in the late 80s with Julia's oldest son, Mick, and I think they were on the same wrestling team or something. Julia always thought Joel was after her son for a gay relationship. And I guess Joel acted gay, he never brought any girls to any parties at Mick's house, and he never spoke of having a girlfriend. Then came a day in 2000 when Joel announced he was engaged and moving to Denver to be with his future wife. Julia was shocked!
"I thought he was gay!" she said. "And he's marrying a woman?!"
When I first visited Joel in Denver, he said he had to take me to this bar/lounge near his home to show everyone that he's NOT gay. This sent up a red flag with me. One of a dozen of red flags back then. Why oh why didn't I pay attention to all these red flags? More about that in another post. So I was his "I'm-so-not-gay" arm candy that evening. We stayed for one drink, enough time for the regulars and the bartender to notice that he was with a chick and to conclude that "Oh, he's not gay." Riiiiiiight.
So the gay thing came up again that very early Sunday morning. I teased him about it, and he kept saying "not funny." The dumbass drove Gordon home in the Jeep he was passed out in, and then slept for a few hours at Gordon's house until his son Shane, who is 16 months old and just 2 months older than Tyson, woke up loudly at 7 a.m. Then Gordon's wife Peggy came crawling down the hall with stomach cramps or something. And there's Joel in the living room, wiggling his gay-straight fingers in a hello fashion.
I had pulled the all-nighter/all-morninger as planned. Ty and I gassed up the car at 8 a.m., got a Denver Post and ate Burger King for breakfast. He loves the French Toast and I love the ham, egg, and cheese croissanwich. I put him down at 8:30 or so for his morning nap when 15 minutes later Joel arrives home. He is bearing breakfast from Burger King-- French Toast for Tyson and a ham, egg, and cheese croissanwich for me. It was sweet really, because I don't eat BK breakfast very often. Maybe once every two months. So it was very nice of him, my gay-straight pseudo-boyfriend.
"This is Joel. Don't fuck with me, okay?"
He was drunk of course. And his voice sounded all high and gay and drunk, exactly like Del's, and the only time he used to call me was when he was drunk. That was the only time he found me attractive too and wanted to have sex with me. Asshole.
So Joel was drunk and Gordon was passed out in his Jeep. Joel didn't know what to do. What a moron. I told him to call a taxi; that's a lot cheaper than getting a DUI. Then he proceeded to tell me how he met this guy Chris in the bar, and Chris looked familiar. So they started chatting and it turns out that Chris sold Joel some carpet from Home Depot about a year ago. Then Chris starts putting out "gay vibes" to Joel. Joel gets this a lot. He says he's not gay, but I say he has quite a few gay tendencies. According to me, he's a gay-straight male, meaning he is heterosexual but with lots of homosexual qualities and mannerisms. For example, his laugh. Joel does this high-pitched girly laugh. It's embarrassing really when he does it in public. One time he did the laugh at a friend's house and he jumped up and down while clapping his hands. His friend and I glanced at each other in an Oh-my-God-that's-so-gay moment.
Even my friend Julia, the one who will be here on Saturday from Cali, thought for the longest time that he was gay. She has known Joel for about 20 years, and she is the one who introduced us, an event she wishes had never happened and has apologized profusely for, but that is another story for another day. Joel went to high school in the late 80s with Julia's oldest son, Mick, and I think they were on the same wrestling team or something. Julia always thought Joel was after her son for a gay relationship. And I guess Joel acted gay, he never brought any girls to any parties at Mick's house, and he never spoke of having a girlfriend. Then came a day in 2000 when Joel announced he was engaged and moving to Denver to be with his future wife. Julia was shocked!
"I thought he was gay!" she said. "And he's marrying a woman?!"
When I first visited Joel in Denver, he said he had to take me to this bar/lounge near his home to show everyone that he's NOT gay. This sent up a red flag with me. One of a dozen of red flags back then. Why oh why didn't I pay attention to all these red flags? More about that in another post. So I was his "I'm-so-not-gay" arm candy that evening. We stayed for one drink, enough time for the regulars and the bartender to notice that he was with a chick and to conclude that "Oh, he's not gay." Riiiiiiight.
So the gay thing came up again that very early Sunday morning. I teased him about it, and he kept saying "not funny." The dumbass drove Gordon home in the Jeep he was passed out in, and then slept for a few hours at Gordon's house until his son Shane, who is 16 months old and just 2 months older than Tyson, woke up loudly at 7 a.m. Then Gordon's wife Peggy came crawling down the hall with stomach cramps or something. And there's Joel in the living room, wiggling his gay-straight fingers in a hello fashion.
I had pulled the all-nighter/all-morninger as planned. Ty and I gassed up the car at 8 a.m., got a Denver Post and ate Burger King for breakfast. He loves the French Toast and I love the ham, egg, and cheese croissanwich. I put him down at 8:30 or so for his morning nap when 15 minutes later Joel arrives home. He is bearing breakfast from Burger King-- French Toast for Tyson and a ham, egg, and cheese croissanwich for me. It was sweet really, because I don't eat BK breakfast very often. Maybe once every two months. So it was very nice of him, my gay-straight pseudo-boyfriend.
posted by Saleena | 12:13 AM
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