Single in the Ghetto

No Longer in the Ghetto

2008-06-11T02:04:00.003-06:00

It has been forever, I know. How much has changed in a little over a year you ask? Well, for starters:
-- I no longer live in the freakin' ghetto. I finally moved out of Joel's place and back into my own wonderful house which I spent a ton of money remodeling.
-- I'm back to teaching. I interviewed like crazy in Spring 2007 and finally got a job teaching 2nd grade in the District 27J.
-- I am still not dating, but thinking about it. Just have to work on putting myself out there. I just can't help but think about the last time I found someone through match.com, fell head over heels, and it didn't work out. The memories still haunt me, and it was only a month we went out in 2003. Five years ago.
-- My ex-husband is still married to that Tammy chick and they have a baby girl who will be 1 in August. They are expecting another one in December.

This last bit of news makes me somewhat depressed. I don't know why I can't seem to move on. I'm not sure how I'm ever supposed to meet anyone. I don't go anywhere or do anything, and I just feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've got Ty for now, who will be 3 years old in one more week. But one day he'll be grown up and it'll be just me. At least I hate cats so I can avoid that cliche.

This will be my last post here, seeing as how I no longer live in the ghetto. And here's something funny: Yesterday Ty was crying in the car "I don't wanna go to Papa's house!" I told him he needed to tell his daddy to buy a new house. So as soon as we pull up to the trailer and I open the car door, Joel comes out and Ty screams at him "Buy a new house Papa!" It was cute and heartbreaking at the same time. I can only thank the Goddess that my son has at least one nice home in a decent neighborhood. I will never live in the ghetto again.

Tonight I learned that my ex-husband is remarried

2007-03-09T05:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight I learned that my ex-husband is remarried. It is an awful feeling. There is this sickening dread in the pit of my stomach, and I just feel so... alone now. I've cried a few times. I certainly didn't expect to read that he was married now. Especially tonight since I've been going through some very old files from the early 1990s, throwing paperwork out and making a "needs to be shreded" pile, and saving some stuff to send to him and saving some stuff for me.

Then I decided to log into his hotmail account, which I've been doing once a month or two ever since we were separated in 2001. God, I've been snooping for about 6 years now; the guy hasn't changed his password and I just can't help it. I am nosy. Most of the emails are mundane, just stuff ordered from Amazon.com, dating advice columns, eBay watch lists, travel itineraries. Occasionally he'll receive mail from friends and this gives me some insight into what's going on in his life, but not much. This is how I found out he was married. A former neighbor of his, whom I've met a couple of times, sent him a message saying thanks for a gift and congratulations on the marriage.

I think my heart stopped, and that's when I felt sick. It is 5:30 in the morning but I know I can't sleep. I'm just semi-devastated. Here I was going through all this nostalgic paperwork-- furniture we bought, credit card statements, lease agreements-- thinking that one day we will get back together and re-marry. I still love him so much. But now he is married to another woman. Her name is Tammy or Tammie, from what I gather from the emails. They are buying land up in Nova Scotia and going to Hawaii at the end of May. Tammy Fuller.

I searched all the major photo-sharing sites and couldn't find an account under his name. I know there's wedding photos because the email from Mike indicated as such. Either 1) they don't have any photos uploaded to a site, or 2) they're under her name and account, the most likely scenario since it is usually the woman who handles photo details.

I feel broken. I feel like my life is complete crap. No job, no friends, no boyfriend/lover/husband or anyone, no house (that I live in), no money. I'm fat. The only thing that is probably saving me right now is my little boy, whom I do love very much, and I know I can't just leave this earth because I'm hurting. But I've been hurting for so long now. It feels like it's never going to end.

But I guess one of the reasons I left my marriage is because I was so unhappy, and I felt like I was making my husband miserable as well. I just wanted to be alone and not expose him or anyone else to my despair, which I couldn't really explain. Most of all, I wanted him to be happy and experience life without me. I didn't think I was good for him anymore. I felt like I was dragging him down and he deserved better. At the time, I didn't know nor did I understand that I was suffering from depression. No freakin' clue whatsoever. It started after my mother died and I went off the pill. Then Braden was sent overseas for a few months to Germany. Prior to that he was gone quite a bit as well, and I just adjusted to being on my own. I thought that's what I wanted.

If I could go back in time, God the things I would do differently. I regret so badly starting the separation and filing for divorce. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. So here I sit at my laptop in my tiny room in a trailer. I feel like I have no future. I really feel like just giving up. My life is pitiful; I am pitiful. I wish so badly that I could talk to my brother. I wish he would come visit me from the Great Beyond and give me some advice. I wish the tears would stop falling as I type.

Why Joel is a Jackass part 3

2007-03-08T01:36:00.000-07:00

I could go on forever but this is going to be the last post about this. Joel is a jackass because on my first Christmas Eve here in 2003, alone and about 6 weeks pregnant, he told me "I'm NOT in love with you." He thought he should be honest, he said. I was a complete mess the rest of the day. This is a few days or so after he gave me a belated birthday gift: a Phillips Sonicare toothbrush. And this is also a few days or so after I was scheduled to terminate the pregnancy, but I changed my mind and told him so. He had given me $400 cash too. He's a jackass for not wanting a baby, for not wanting it with me, for not wanting to marry me. He's a jackass for not caring for me better during my pregnancy, for letting me shovel my driveway in April 2005 after a blizzard hit, for all the crap he did and all the things he should have done while I was on bedrest for two months. Now he has a gorgeous, sweet 20-month old son whom he loves to pieces and adores, and I can't help but always think 'yeah, he wouldn't even exist if it weren't for me.' Jackass! He is out of town this week in Montana, so I have my breathing space, thank Goddess.

On another note, I drove down to Cherry Creek School District offices today to pick up a hire packet. I applied online for regular teacher jobs and as a substitute. Afterward, I got a little lost trying to find the Arapahoe County Sherriff's office to get my fingerprinting done and didn't make it there in time. From there it took only five minutes to get to Park Meadows mall where I spent 4 hours shopping and didn't even make it to The Limited. We arrived at 5 o'clock, and first Ty and I used the restroom and ate some Renzio's gyro, Greek potatoes and spinach rice. It was soooooo good! They give you a ton of food too. We went to babyGap, Gymboree, Dillards, Macy's, Franklin Covey, Nordstrom, and finally Banana Republic. We got clothes! I was slightly depressed knowing I couldn't really afford to buy new clothes, but all I got was a short-sleeve spring blouse from Macy's, 3 pairs of DKNY panties from Nordstrom, and a pair of pants, a skirt, a sweater and a short sweater shrug-like jacket from Banana. Ty got two shirts and a pair of jeans from Gymboree; how that came to $40 I do not know.

I am going to lay in bed now and read some from the book I ordered Sunday night/Monday morning that will help me answer all those dumb questions from the TeacherInsight survey that some of the school districts are using to assess teacher candidates when they apply for jobs. Well, that, and I think it'll be a good read, and I haven't purchased a hardback book in, oh, forever.

Why Joel is a Jackass part 2

2007-03-03T02:48:00.000-07:00

Joel is a jackass because he is so cheap. He won't spend any money on anything he can get for free from other people. His chipped plates and barbeque grill came from his friend. He doesn't buy a whole lot for Tyson because he knows I will buy it or my dad and stepmom will send it. For Christmas, Joel spent less than $20 for Tyson's gift. I spent maybe about $200 or so, and my dad and stepmom spent more than that I'm sure. I know it's not about how much money is spent on the gift, but come on! Twenty bucks for two little Shake-n-Go racecars and that's it? Pathetic. He could have at least got him the race tracks that go with the cars too. Cheap bastard.

I had to take semi-warm showers for months because Joel got some stupid tankless water heater that was supposed to heat the water on demand and never run out. Well, because this is a trailer and the water in the ground is fucking freezing cold, the stupid-ass thing couldn't heat the water up enough. It was miserable. I finally told him at the beginning of January that if he didn't do something about the water heater, I wasn't going to live here anymore. Well, it took several weeks, but we finally have 120 degree water, thank God. But the dumbass was so cheap that he didn't go to Home Depot or Lowes for a water heater. No.... he had to order it on online.

Right now I'm very angry with him and have been for a few days. He refuses to discuss something criminal he did back in Smalltown Cali when he was younger. I know what he did because one of his sisters filled me in on it about a year ago. But before then, he never volunteered this information and when I casually asked him if he had ever been in trouble with the law, he said once in Smalltown but it was a long time ago and has nothing to do with the here and now. I kept pressing him and he said to just let it go. I was livid then and was determined to find out. So I did and felt somewhat satisfied that I knew the story, but upset nevertheless that he would not and did not ever let me know his version of the events, which has to do with his being 18 and having sex with a girl who was 16 or 17 I think. The issue came up again recently because I picked up the mail and noticed a letter from a lawyer in Smalltown Cali. I asked Joel what it was about, and after he read it, he whooped and hollered for joy, saying simply that he had had a "youthful indescretion" but that now it was expunged from his record. He did not know that I had found out most of the details of this "youthful indescretion" so we left it at that that day.

The next evening, this past Tuesday actually, we were in the office and I asked if I could read the letter. He said no, it's private. I railed into him about how I've been duped and how he is a deceiving person. He said I'm just being nosy. I told him I'm not just being nosy because I already know what the legal situation is all about. I just want him to be honest with me and come clean, but he absolutely refused. Fucking asshole. So I haven't really been speaking to him since then; just when I have to communicate with him about Tyson and that's it.

I feel like there's all this venom inside me. I have such disdain for him and it feels like poison that needs to be purged and I don't know how to get rid of it. I just want to move out of this rotten hellhole. I have new tenants who signed a rental contract though so I can't move back into my house, which I want to so badly because 1) I want outta the ghetto; and 2) I'm obsessed with remodeling my kitchen.

I have spent almost everyday researching materials for my kitchen. I just want new countertops, new appliances, new floor, new sink, new backsplash, some paint, and two or three hanging pendant lights to go over the counterheight seating area. I am obsessed. I watch HGTV videos online almost everyday. I go to quartz countertop websites and link to other kitchen design sites for ideas. I have photos I've taken and I look at them trying to imagine how new stuff will look. Tonight I wasted time in Photoshop trying to erase the barheight counters in a picture and draw in new counters. Of course I have no spatial abilities whatsoever, so it looked totally lame. Plus I'm terrible with Photoshop because I'm not familiar with it. Of course I'm obsessed with all this and I HAVE NO MONEY.

I finally applied as a sub with Brighton school district. That was last week and I still haven't heard from them. I went to a job fair last Saturday, which was a waste of time and $10 because all the interview slots were filled. I did get some information that is somewhat comforting, like Douglas County schools hired 450 new teachers. But of course there were 6,000 applicants. How depressing. I just want to get back into teaching because I know I'll be making about $50K a year for working 185 days with summers off and vacation at Christmas and Spring Break. I applied and interviewed for that stupid Children's Librarian in Louisville, but I guess no one impressed the old bitties because the job was re-posted. I just want to start earning some money again because I've basically run out of it. All that money from selling my house in California-- gone, except for a few thousand I put in my IRA and a couple grand in the 529s for my nephew and oldest niece in Florida. I am going into debt once again. God this sucks.

Why Joel is a Jackass part 1

2007-01-18T04:21:00.000-07:00

This is just going to be a stream of conciousness kind of writing, so here goes...

These are just some red flags very early in the relationship that I really should have paid closer attention to. In May 2004 when I was still living in Smalltown Cali, Joel made arrangements for me to fly to Denver to visit him one weekend. He had me on three-way conversation with United Airlines, and at first I couldn't believe he was actually going to foot the bill for the trip. Well, he was just using one of his free flying certificates or something like that. But the point is, I heard him give his address to the agent, and I thought I knew it because I had looked it up online one time to send him a card, which he received, but then I heard him say "Number 468." What the hell is that? I thought he lived in a house. He was always talking about his house.

When we were done with the United agent, I asked him, "Ummm... what's 468?" He said it's a lot number. I remember a feeling of chilliness going through me. A LOT NUMBER? I asked him if he lived in a trailer park. "A manufactured housing community," he said. I remember feeling angry. This is the first time I'm finding out about all this. I felt deceived. And yet I visited anyway, and here I am today. And for God's sake: It is a trailer park!

Another reason he's a jackass is because he hid the real nature of "his business" from me for so long. He never came out and told me it was Amway (now repackaged as Quixtar, same shit, different name). I eventually figured it out on my own, but that's just another red flag. Who really believes that they'll get rich off of that crap? Another thing I should have paid attention to before moving out here. This whole "business" thing has been a real source of contention for us over the years. When Ty was two or three weeks old, Joel insisted he had to go to Portland, Oregon for a function, a "family reunion" they call it. I am still angry and bitter that he left me with a newborn by myself for three days while he went to this stupid thing. The good news now is, I believe he's finally quit the idiotic "business" to concentrate on school. But still, if anyone ever tells you he's involved in Quixtar, run! Run away fast! It means they are stupid.

One final thought for today: Joel convinced me to "move myself" when it was time to pack up my home in Cali and go to Denver. I had called a few movers to get quotes; all were from out of town and all sounded very suspicious. I wanted to go with the local United Van Lines to pack me up, but of course being June 2004, they were already booked solid. Joel told me over the phone: "Just get a U-haul. Do your own move. You need to relate to other people." I remember feeling so angry with him. In retrospect of course, I should have to told him to Fuck Off, I'm not moving after all. But I so desperately wanted to change my life, and I thought changing locations would do it. I wanted to go somewhere where I knew someone.

I reserved a U-haul but one never appeared because everyone was leaving the state with them and no one was moving to the central coast to bring them in. I ended up calling Shady Moving Company which came and got my stuff, leading to a whole big mess which is another story entirely.

Holidays Suck

2006-12-24T15:28:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I didn't understand why some adults hated the holidays and got depressed. Now that I'm 36 years old, I completely get it. I have almost come to despise this time of year. That is because when one is alone, the holidays magnify that singleness.

It is Christmas Eve, and we have no tree up, no decorations, NOTHING, save for four festive placemats on the dining room table. I've purchased all of Tyson's gifts, and "Santa" even scored an elusive TMX Elmo for him, albeit from the Evil Empire on line. I'm glad I finished all my shopping earlier this week, because that Blizzard hit Wednesday morning and we've been snowed in since then.

Joel's been a real jackass lately. I really can't stand him anymore. I just want out of here. I am lonely, miserable, and very angry with myself and my life. My renters have broken their lease and now I'm trying to find new tenants. No luck yet. My savings are dwindling down to their last few thousands, so I'm definitely going to have to find some type of income, but I don't know what the hell I want to do. Go back to teaching? or go into the civilian world?

Do I stay here and teach? I am considering, once again as I did 3 years ago, a move to Atlanta, a populous city with opportunities for work, dating, and housing. I would be somewhat closer to my family in Panama City, Fla. I would try to sell my house here, though I don't know how fast it would sell and how much I could get. I've only seriously, and I mean super seriously, been thinking about all this for about 12 hours now. It has always been in the back of my mind for the past two years, but I don't want to move Tyson away from his father. But I am so incredibly unhappy that I know I need to do something because I am descending into THE PIT again and I just don't want to be there. Everything should be so easy, but it's not.

I just want to run away from everything here.

Stupid Internet Explorer

2006-11-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

I just lost about an hour's worth of typing an entry because of stupid IE closing down on me, and because I wasn't smart enough to save what I'd been typing. Needless to say, I'm pissed.

Been Scrapping

2006-11-02T02:41:00.000-07:00

I've been busy working on Tyson's scrapbook. I was a year behind, but now I'm only 50 weeks behind. Arrrgh. It just takes me forever to put pages together because I'm such a perfectionist and I like to plan everything out. But I enjoy being creative and love looking at the final product. I bought a new tool a few days ago: an instant setter that punches holes, sets eyelets and embosses. I got it to learn how to set eyelets actually because I've seen samples of them but never understood how to apply them. Then at the Scrapbook Station on Saturday, a lady there told me how you need a tool to crush down the back of the eyelet. So I did my first page last night with them and it turned out nicely. My goal now is to work on at least one page everyday, and at that rate, I don't know when, if ever, I will catch up to the present!

Okay, so I was curious and mapped it all out. If I complete 2 months of memories each month, I'll be all caught up by next September 2007. But that's all right. As long as I try to work a little bit each night and not go so long without doing something. The last time I did scrapbooking was back in June. Then I quit until last month.

I haven't had time to watch any movies though. I've had three Netflix DVDs sitting in the living room for almost two weeks now. I'm about to go watch last Thursday's Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy on tape, even though it's almost 3 a.m. My sleep cycle is really screwed up now.

I tried taking that Rozerem, but it is awful. Dr. L gave me a few samples when I saw her a couple months ago. I'm going to have to get some Ambien, but nowadays I'm afraid it'll knock me out so bad that if Ty was crying or the smoke detector went off, I'd have no idea and that's quite scary actually. So I'm just on my own schedule with no obligations to anyone or nowhere to be, although tomorrow I definitely need to go grocery shopping, something I absolutely do not enjoy.

One more note. Tyson was so cute last night for Halloween. I dressed him up as an old school aviator (costume found at Party America). Then at Babies R Us, I found this chocolate brown faux suede jacket with lambswool collar and cuff. He looked perfect! We went trick or treating for about an hour, but not here in the ghetto. No way! We went over to Peggy and Gordon's neighborhood and we all trick-or-treated together with their two kids. It was chilly out, somewhere in the upper 30s or lower 40s I guess. Ty did a good job holding out his pumpkin for everyone to drop treats in (for me to eat of course!).

That is all for tonight. I will try to write again later this week. Remind me to talk about Del!

Applied but Denied?

2006-10-18T01:55:00.000-06:00

It snowed today, almost all day. I am snuggled up in bed with my laptop because it's freezing cold in the office, which is where I usually do all my web surfing. Sunday was so warm and beautiful too, and I took Ty to the Pumpkin Patch and corn maze. We went with Joel's sister who is in town to help him with some of his workload. She works for the Bank too. Joel has had to take some time off due to his hip problems. He had to have a couple of cortisone shots to help with the inflamation, and his hip got a lot worse before it got better.

I applied for two teaching jobs last week and haven't heard a thing. I was so sure that I'd at least get to interview, but now I'm thinking that my personnel file at the school district must be really bad, in the eyes of a hiring principal. I don't know. I've gone over there and looked at it and didn't think I would never be considered for another teaching position. I went to the two schools last Friday and dropped off cover letters with resumes and letters of recommendation. I'm feeling some anger because it takes so much effort and energy on my part to get to the point where I feel enough confidence to apply for a job. I'm mad that I have 7 good years of teaching in Smalltown Cali, and then 1 lousy year here screws that up. Sometimes I think about how my "contract was non-renewed" because I was a single, pregnant kindergarten teacher. The thing is... I can't really prove it, because all new teachers in a district are considered temporary or probationary, and they can let you go after the first year if they want to. I guess the question now is, do I apply to Denver Public or just get the hell out of education and do something more lucrative?

The tenants in my house are having stupid drama now. One wants out of the lease and the other is upset. It'd kinda be nice if they both moved out and I could just move back in. But I'm almost running on fumes in my bank accounts as it is. That's kinda what prompted me to apply for the two teaching jobs. I'm ready to get back on a normal schedule and earn some money for shopping. I've been missing buying new clothes, and with the new Macy's... *sigh. I finally cashed in that stupid Harley stock. I put $5,000 in it two years ago at $60 a share, then it sunk. It finally went back up and I sold when it hit $59.50 a share. I'd made a whole 50 bucks. At least I didn't lose the initial money.

It is 1:50 a.m. right now and I'm watching Tyson on the baby video monitor. He woke up around 12:30 when Joel went in his room to sleep in the top bunk bed. Now Ty's just sitting up in his crib, sucking his thumb and suffering from the insomia that he obviously inheirted from me. Poor little guy. I'll go in there in a few minutes and get him.

September was Couch Potato Month

2006-10-03T11:43:00.000-06:00

How is it that it's October already? The days are just slipping by-- so quietly, so quickly, so uneventfully it seems like. September was a blur. I was supposed to have lost 2 pounds last month, and I did actually, but I believe I gained them back over the course of a few days. The scale is too depressing to look at, so I don't. I just care about how my clothes fit, which most of them don't. I pulled out some of my beautiful fall skirts from a few years ago, and I can't even get them past my lower thighs. I just want to cry sometimes.

I've been on a Medium Season 1 marathon for the past week or so. It's my favorite show on television, and I hadn't seen a lot of the episodes. I was surprised that I had missed so many. But they were really good. I love my Netflix DVDs. I have seriously been a couch potato for most of September, if not all. I guess that's why it was a blur. And of course I'm not going to lose any weight if I'm not exercising. But with how topsy-turvy my whole schedule is, I don't know how or when to fit it in. And I hate exercising.

I'm tired so that's all I'm going to write for tonight. Will try to write more tomorrow night.

Raining, Pouring and Snoring

2006-09-22T23:37:00.000-06:00

I don't want summer to end, but today was the last day. *sniff*. The weather has definitely turned colder. It's been chilly and windy and rainy and just dreary. Joel finally cleaned the furnace filters and so maybe I won't freeze to death tonight. My bedroom is the most freezingest in the house because, ---and you must remember that this is the ghetto--- the window is missing the inner pane.

I do have my own bedroom, in case anyone was wondering. It's like 10x10, which is miniscule compared to the master bedrooms I've always had since I was 18. Of course I had to share a master bedroom with my then-husband for 10 years, but still... it was big and roomy, and for the last five years of marriage I mostly had it to myself due to his military stints ranging from a few days to a few months. Then when I bought my condo in smalltown Cali, the master bedroom was perfect. I had two dressers, an armoire, a nightstand, a Jamaican dressing chair and my king size four-poster bed that I just love. At one point I also had a computer desk and rolling chair in there when I allowed Del (first pseudo-boyfriend) to move in. My home office became his bedroom. Twice. That is one of the rules of being in a pseudo-relationship. You live together and have separate bedrooms. As I do now.

But you know what? I love having my own room. I don't know that I can ever share a bed with a man again. I don't mean for sexual purposes of course. I just mean sleeping. After sex, I just want to spread out in my own bed and fall asleep without having to listen to a guy snore. And I would have to say that 100% of the men I've slept with in the past 5 years have snored and it bugged the crap out of me! That is definitely a deal breaker. Well, almost. I guess it can be medically fixed, right?

Sometimes I do miss snuggling up next to someone at night. But mostly I'm happy to curl up with Teddy Bear and take as much of the covers as I want. This is my life for now, and I am content to sleep alone. I just don't want to be freezing cold! Time to break out the down comforter.

My Baby is Walking. Seriously!

2006-09-20T23:45:00.000-06:00

I know it's been forever since I've posted; 10 days in Blogland is an eternity actually if you ever keep up with someone's blog. You expect them to post on a daily or almost-daily basis. And I think about it everyday; I really do. I compose entries in my head and want to log in and type, but I've been making the effort to get to bed at a decent time (with my good friend Ambien tucking me in). But the big exciting news is that my little baby boy is WALKING!

It really is one of the most thrilling sights in life. I never understood why parents made such a big deal of it, but I can kind of see why now. Joel and I sat about four feet apart and just encouraged him to go to the other parent. He would make it about three or four steps and then fall forward upon one of us. That was last Sunday, Sept. 10th I think. Then I got out the camcorder and set it up the next evening and videotaped him walking about 8 or 10 feet. I've watched that video at least a couple dozen times, and in it I'm laughing with such joy and awe. I'm so glad I captured the moment.

Tyson is still a little unsteady in his walking, but he's gaining more confidence each day. He chooses to walk on his own and seems so thrilled with himself that he's actually walking without any support from anything. He still prefers crawling though because it's a faster way for him to move around, and that's okay with me. Everyone was right. They don't stay babies for very long.

In other news, I've lost about 2 pounds. That's naked on the home scale of course. At the doctor's today, it was 139.2, which is still under 140, thank God. The hunger tends to dissipate as diet hell goes on though. The bad news is that I haven't been exercising at all. But with my doctor's visit today, I'm hoping to get my life somewhat back on track. I used to love teaching and earning good money. I used to date men and have sex. I used to go to the gym and run at the Mission in smalltown Cali. I miss living across the street from where I worked and skipping home for lunch. I miss my friends and going to Happy Hour on Fridays. I used to have a wonderful hairdresser, Fred, who I saw once a month. I used to be a size 4. My life is so different now. Back then, I used to cry into my pillow almost every night because I felt so unhappy. And now I'm here. I don't cry very often anymore. In a way, I guess I'm content with my life because I realize that I'm fortunate to have Tyson and can stay home with him. I have money in the bank and I don't have a schedule.

In an issue of Glamour from sometime last year, someone said how you can "have it all." You just can't have it all at the same time. I've found this to be so true. It's like I've always wanted to complete the whole puzzle, but God won't give me all the pieces at once. He distributes a few at a time, and you get some placed, but then He takes a few pieces away and gives you several more. I guess by the end of my life, I'll have touched all the pieces, and in my mind I'll be able to see the whole picture. All right, enough with jigsaw puzzle analogy.

What else has been keeping me from writing here is Grey's Anatomy. I rented and watched all of Season 1 and am now working on Season 2. Tomorrow night is the premiere of Season 3, and I'll have to videotape it because I won't be done watching all the previous episodes. Yes, videotape, because I don't have TiVo like everyone else in the world. It's an okay show. The characters are actually annoying, except for Dr. Miranda Bailey a.k.a. The Nazi. I'm glad I just rented the series instead of buying it. (I love Netflix by the way!)

So now you know where I've been and what I've been doing-- By day, being amazed by a toddling bundle of energy and cooking decent meals for him; by night, curled up on my chair-and-a-half watching a mindless medical drama. Aren't these puzzle pieces just great?

I'm Huuuunnnggrrry!

2006-09-10T02:22:00.000-06:00

I've been doing really well with my diet. It's Day Three of starving, but what I call starving isn't what's defined by the U.N. I'm sure. Trust me, I really am eating; I'm just not eating whatever I want, whenever I want, which is how I gained these 20 pounds that I am now saying buh-bye to. It doesn't help that I've been looking at on-line recipes for Coca-Cola cake. I'm having a terrible cake craving.

I still get a glass of sweet tea in the morning. I can't possibly live without my sugared-up tea. I've tried making it with Splenda, but it tastes disgusting. Joel made some scrambled eggs for Tyson for breakfast, but I knew he wouldn't eat them, so I ate the two eggs and a little bit of scrapple. After that, I went back to sleep while Tyson napped at 1 p.m. We didn't get up until 4:30! I had one KFC drumstick for lunch/snack, and then I made baked fish for dinner with scalloped potatoes and green beans. See? All in all I'm not eating much. For a small treat I did munch on a couple handfuls of caramel popcorn that Joel bought yesterday. And there is a huge bag of it just sitting on the table.

I've been making a huge effort not to be nasty toward him. That's my first goal. I've resolved that I should try to be nicer and not grumble and bitch and complain. I think this blog helps me a lot with my feelings. Writing has always been a good outlet for me. It helps me reflect; it helps me get anger off my chest. It helps me to keep my resolve. At least writing here lately, I've felt that way.

It's been thunderstorming the past few days. A lot today, so I haven't been walking. But I did some crunches last night and I can feel it in my abs today. I would like to go out somewhere tomorrow, but I'm not sure if we will. I would love to drive to Rocky Mountain National Park and just walk around and get some pictures. I wish Tyson could walk though. That would make it so much easier. But he'll be walking soon enough I'm sure. He'll be 15 months old on Sept. 17, and my hope is that he'll be walking by the end of the month.

Other than the diet, not much is going on right now and it is late. My Glamour magazine finally came in the mail today (but the renters' check didn't!) so I'm going to go snuggle up in bed and see what fall fashions are out there that I might actually consider wearing.

Starving and Chores

2006-09-07T23:41:00.000-06:00

It's my last night of freedom... that's what it feels like anyway. Tomorrow Joel comes back from being out-of-state. I go back to being annoyed at his burp blowing, marathon bathroom sessions, bad grammar ("Him and I were talking..."), and saying "ya'know" all the time. I know that sentence wasn't very parallel, but I don't care. I'm ranting. As usual. If you don't know what I mean by parallel, then you ought not be entering the Kingdom of the Grammar Queen. [insert trumpets playing here]

Today I felt like I was starving. I've put myself on this 1200-calorie diet because I really want to drop 10 pounds fast. I feel like if I could just drop a size in clothes then I'll be really happy and feel better about my body. I weighed in at 140 pounds this morning. If I can lose 2 pounds a week then that's only 5 weeks until I weigh 130. Wow! I can do math. I know I need to exercise more though. Yesterday I took Tyson for a walk and pushing that stroller up these ghetto hills is no easy feat. I walked for at least 30 minutes. The air was not fresh however. It was 7:30 p.m. and people's garbage had been sitting out on the sidewalks all day. I guess everyone didn't get serviced because of the Labor Day holiday. So there was an odor to go along with the dilapidated views.

I talk to Ty as we walk. We always see dogs and cats, and I point them out. At 14 months, he isn't talking yet. Not a single word. Not even Mama. But he understands a lot of words. He definitely knows blankie, racecar and balloon. He was a bit of a pill today. He got into everything I was working on, and if I put him somewhere to play on his own, he cried. He didn't eat much either. I think he's cutting a new tooth. He did enjoy his bath though and I put him to bed at 9. He fussed a bit for a little while, but he is such a good sleeper. He cries out briefly during the night, but he doesn't wake up.

He doesn't cry in the mornings either when he wakes up. Our rooms are right next to each other and of course the walls are paper-thin, so I can hear him babbling to himself. Sometimes, not very often, he bangs on the adjoining wall from his crib and I think he's telling me to wake up and come get him! He has always been a pretty good baby. Thank goodness he takes after me in that he is not a morning person either! He is just content to stay in his crib and let me sleep until I come get him, which didn't happen today until 1 p.m., poor little guy. I love him so much! Why am I such a bad mother?

I was supposed to start doing yoga today with my DVD that I bought sometime last year, but of course I never got around to it. I want to get fit! But I was not a complete lazy ass. I straightened up my side of the garage where I had a bunch of stuff piled up and it was starting to spill over into the walkway. It took two hours to go through it. I had to assemble two small shoe shelves in the house and then I was able to move shoeboxes inside. I have bags of stuff to donate to Goodwill and recycling to drop off. I went through one box and unpacked my Pretty as a Picture figurines and finally displayed them in my room. I haven't seen them in over two years! Has it really been that long? I'll have to blog one day about my move here from Cali. It was a fiasco!

I did some laundry. Actually what I had to do was re-wash the dog beds, most of which are old sheets and towels. Joel took them to a Laundromat one evening, and then deposited them in the garage, but they were stinky! I wonder if he even used any soap. If he did, I know he used only one little scoop of that Bioquest crap or whatever it is from his "business." Oh dear. That's another post for another day as well. So I re-washed all the sheets and towels and one down-comforter bed. I cleaned the kitchen, took out the garbage, and spot-cleaned the carpet near the garage door that was black with door-hinge residue or something. I only worked on it for a few minutes but it looks somewhat better. Joel can be a lazy ass too and not attend to things that really need to be taken care of.

I bet he'll be happy I straightened my stuff in the garage though. I also vacuumed the shavings from where he drilled in the wood to hang his work-out mirror. That was bugging the crap out of me; I'm not sure why. He's got a Shop-Vac right there, stored like 15 feet away from where the mess was. He says he's "detail orientated" but honestly, I don't think so. He says he likes a "clean house" but his bathroom can get awfully disgusting. I think he cleans it once every two months. His shower is still filthy. Thank God I don't have to use it. He has a big garden tub too, but he just uses it to collect dust balls. I was actually thinking about cleaning it and having a nice soak in there this evening. I guess today's Denver Post article about Japanese tubs influenced me. But I ran out of time tonight, and now I'm really tired. Tomorrow's plans are to starve again and go walking. I'll have to remember to take my camera with me so I can take pictures of some of my favorite ghetto trailers.

Friends Come and Go

2006-09-06T23:42:00.000-06:00

Joel is finally out of town on business this week, thank God. I love having the house to myself and being able to shower at 1 a.m. if I want to. I gave my cocker spaniel a bath tonight too; she really needed it, poor girl. I vacuumed and did a load of laundry. I'm Miss Productive when I can do my own thing anytime I want and not have to worry about making too much noise. This is why I love when Joel is gone. But he'll be back on Friday.

I finally saw Julia on Monday which was Labor Day. I took Tyson and drove over to her mom's house, which is not in Aurora after all but in east Denver off of I-70. Julia is so frequently wrong about geographical stuff like that. I went to Jamaica for Spring Break last year, and Julia told another friend of ours that I'd gone to Tahiti! Anyway, I met her mom and mom's boyfriend, and, oh my goodness, Julia the apple did not fall far from the momma tree. That woman can talk and talk and talk. But she is a very nice woman of 70-something and that boyfriend of hers is a real gem. Julia and I finally got out of the house and went to the Downtown Aquarium, arriving at 5:40 p.m.

It was a nice place. I loved the otters and got some good pictures with Ty and them. Tons of fish were seen of course. The sharks and moray eels were highlights too. Julia, who is 20 years older than I am, and I got to catch up with each other while strolling around the exhibits. We were teacher neighbors at the school I used to work at in smalltown Cali. That's how we're friends. I even dated her son for a couple months back in 2001. I was 30 then, and he had just turned 21. That is an interesting post for another day I suppose.

We finally sat down to dinner at around 8 p.m. in the restaurant there. It was beautiful with fish mobile lighting and clear seaweed decorations. We were seated at a table right next to the huge floor-to-ceiling aquarium which had tons of interesting fish and a shark or two. We put Ty's highchair right next to it, but he was still cranky from not having had his late afternoon nap. Poor little guy. A little after 9, we gave him some of our creme brulee dessert and then he finally lay his head down on his blanket which was bunched up like a pillow on the table, and he passed out. I hated to pick him up, but it was time to go.

Our meals were excellent too. We ordered the Stuffed Shrimp Enbrochette special which came with a petite sirloin, steamed broccoli and rice. Yum! I need to go back there again because my camera battery died during dinner and I want some pictures of the restaurant. The ambience was amazing. Loved it. Julia bought Ty a few things from the gift shop-- a shirt, a little ball and a book. We had a great evening and I dropped her off at her mom's at 10 p.m.

The next day Ty and I met her at Las Delicias, a Mexican restaurant, before her flight left at 8:45 p.m. We had dinner with her brother and his two adult children. We got to chat a bit before she had to take off for the airport. I'm so glad I got to see an old friend. I talked to her this evening and she had made it home at 1 a.m. I think the trip was good for her. A person living in that small Cali town HAS to get away from time to time or she'll go nuts.

Tonight I again tried calling my friend Carla, who also lives in the same town. We haven't spoken in forever. She never e-mails me either. She was my best friend there and we used to do so much together. But now she is living with her fiance, plays part-time stepmom, and is a big-shot administrator at a middle school after teaching kindergarten for 7 years. We are exactly the same age-- same birthday, same year. When I went to smalltown Cali last August, Ty and I stayed at her brand-new house. Ty was just 2 months old at the time, and I showed him off to everyone. After that visit, Carla never really maintained contact with me; I don't know why. I know she's very busy, but still. With how technology is today, it's not that difficult to keep up with people. I sent her a bouquet of flowers to say Thanks for letting us stay with her, but I never heard if she ever received them, until I think, maybe, when we spoke on our Birthday, which is Pearl Harbor Day (Dec. 7th, the Day of Infamy, in case you don't know).

In February, when my beloved 12-year-old Sheltie died, I sent everyone an e-mail about the sad news. I heard back from each person except Carla. This made me so sad, and I'm still hung up about it. She used to doggy-sit for me and knew how special my dogs are to me. To not even reply to my e-mail is just bad manners. In July I sent her a Thinking of You card that I made with some of Ty's 1-year-old photos. (I sent one to lots of people.) She finally called one day near the end of August to say hi, she got the photos, she hopes I'm doing well, etc. Except I wasn't home, so she left the message on the machine. I remember that day because Ty and I had gone to Target and my car wouldn't start after I was done shopping. The battery was dead, and I had to call Joel who came out to boost me.

So I called her Friday evening, got her voice mail, no return call. And I called her this evening, got her voice mail again. At this point, I wonder if I'll even get an invitation to her wedding. For all I know, she's married right now. I really need to get some friends here. Which reminds me- I want to call Maya and see if she wants to go out to dinner, just us two, or maybe shopping. It's on my To Do List for tomorrow. I want some new fall clothes so badly! Stuff that fits. I just know that if I blow a thousand bucks on new clothes, I'll probably drop 10 pounds in two months and the new clothes will be too baggy. Oh well. If that's what it takes. Macy's-- here I come.

Moans, Groans and Phones

2006-09-03T23:05:00.000-06:00

My friend Julia is in town but I haven't seen her yet. After her 6:40 a.m. flight out of Cali was cancelled yesterday, she got on a later flight and arrived in the evening instead of at noon. Originally, I was going to pick her up, have lunch, and then take her to her mom's in Aurora, but because of the barbeque I was going to, she made alternate plans to get to her mom's.

I didn't hear from her at all yesterday evening or this morning, so I finally called her cell at 1 p.m. She was having a good time at Taste of Colorado down at the Convention Center. She wanted to know if I wanted to meet her down there. I probably sounded rude when I said "No thanks," but a part of me was pissed that she hadn't called and a lot of me was tired. It feels like I haven't slept well the past couple nights. Last night I was freezing. It's been getting really chilly at night, and a trailer does not boast the best insulation in the world. So I was grumpy all day today and was missing my real house.

I was missing the peace and control of my own home. Joel loves to blast the TV, and it feels like there's a TV on all the time. I swear he is half deaf and he's only 36. I hate when a TV is on just for noise, or he'll just turn it on with no show in mind and watch something without even knowing what it is, even it's halfway through the show.

I am very sensitive to noise. I hate motorcycles. I hate when one without a muffler comes chugging up the street. It grates on my nerves so badly. I hate people who yack loudly on their cell phones (Joel is incredibly guilty of this), and they are so oblivious to others around them. Their voices automatically go up two decibels. Airports, stores and restaurants have the worst offenders. I know I am not the only person who feels this way. There is talk about the FAA lifting the ban on cell phone use on planes. I say "Don't they dare!" Is there really a need for more hostile passengers?

I had a cell phone before they became so standard. I'm talking back in 1994 when I was a senior at Texas Tech and probably one of the very few students who had one. I remember I was in a meeting in the newsroom of the school paper, and someone said a phone was ringing. It was none of the desk phones, and then someone said "It's coming from that purse." It was my purse! I can't remember if I answered it or just turned it off, but when I pulled it out, everyone stared at me, all surprised and open-jawed. They had never really seen a mobile phone in use. I got mine at Best Buy for about $100 and I think the service was through Southwestern Bell for around $20 a month. I had like 60 minutes a month or something like that. God, those were the days. Now every 12-year-old kid has one, including my niece. *sigh*

Nowadays, I haven't had a cell phone for about a year. Since I became a stay-at-home mom, I just haven't needed one. So last September, I got rid of the phone and Sprint's crappy service. That was the biggest waste of $60 a month ever. I used to have Verizon in Cali (formerly GTE Wireless) and never ever had a problem with them, even in the small town I resided and worked in. Then I moved here in July 2004 and wanted a local number and needed an updated phone, so Joel persuaded me to go with Sprint. Stupid me. He just wanted the $20 credit for referring me. But he likes them because of the 7 p.m. start on evening calls. He talks A LOT on his phone. He used to talk A LOT to me when he lived here and I lived in Cali. He called me every evening and chatted non-stop, for hours. I was annoyed with him then. Why oh why did I move here?

So Julia was supposed to call me back later, but of course she never did. Typical. I wonder if she had too much chardonnay at Taste of Denver. That woman knows how to drink. All I know is she better not call me before noon tomorrow. It's Labor Day, a bank holiday, but Joel is still electing to go to work. He doesn't actually work inside a bank; he works out in the field, all over the city, doing inventory audits of the commercial customers of the bank. If Julia ever calls me, then maybe she, Tyson and I can go to the Aquarium. I think little Ty would like that.

Brent and Maya, the hosts of the barbeque last night, absolutely adore Ty. They are a married couple that Joel knows from classes at University of Phoenix. The only other people there were two of Maya's friends from where she used to work. We got there at 7 and there was so much food, and all of it was yummy. I had a pina colada and a strawberry-lime margarita, and by 9:30 I was zonked! So sad I know. I just don't drink very often now. The truth is, I guess I don't have anyone to drink with. I don't really have any good friends here. And I'm not dating right now. So I guess I'm just a social drinker. Hmmmm.... I suppose I should try harder to create a social life for myself, but I don't think they have Happy Hour at the toddler playgroups, which is probably why I haven't joined such a thing. Though I supposed I oughtta, to get me out of the house and it'd be good for Tyson.

I just feel like I don't have that much in common with most people. It took me a long time to build up my group of friends in Cali, and I upped and left them two years ago. But I knew I had to get out of that small town or I was going to regret it. I had Atlanta in mind actually, but then I chickened out and moved here, figuring if things didn't work out here then I could just trek on over to the Peach State. Now I feel like I should stay here so Ty will have both parents in his life. And there are tons of guys and other opportunities here. I'm just not taking proper advantage of them. I know I will when I'm ready. And I'm not quite ready yet. For now I will be Miss Hermit Crab and live in this ghetto shell and be annoyed when the neighbors across the street blast their Tejano music, Harley dude chugs up the street, the TV is blaring, and Joel talks too loudly on his cell phone.

Step Right Up to Go Upside Down

2006-09-01T23:33:00.000-06:00

I am not going to write much tonight. I took half an Ambien an hour ago, and I should be getting myself to bed like right now. I took a half hit last night and it knocked me out. I was able to wake up at 9:30 a.m. though when my alarm stirred me with the rainforest sounds. I needed to get up early because we were going to Six Flags Elitch Gardens after lunch. The first of every month is Joel's home office day, so he finished up his business and off we went, though we didn't make it there til 2:30 p.m. We knew the weather was going to change so we prepared.

The park was pretty empty. Our first stop was the Minderaser roller coaster where your legs swing free. I got right on. No lines. After the ride was over, the attendant asked if I wanted to stay seated so I could ride again. I wanted to, but Joel was waiting with Tyson, and we were taking turns riding singly and then watching him. Unfortunately for Joel, just as he was about to get on, they stopped the ride to look for some kid's prescription glasses that had fallen off while he was on the ride. Dummy. 20 minutes later they're still not going. So Joel says forget it and gets out of line. Just then, the ride starts up again. We went on a few other roller coasters. There were no lines, no waits. It was great. I loved it.

It was a rather chilly afternoon. It began in the 70s but as the clouds blew in, the temp dropped to the 60s. I think that's why everyone stayed away today and they're going to come over the weekend because the weather will be sunny and warmer. Oh well. I prefer to just go up to a ride and not wait.

We ate burgers and fries and then took Ty over to the kiddie playground. He crawled all around and played with the styrofoam balls. We did that for a half hour. They announced they were closing at 5:30. I thought they meant just that attraction would be closing for the day. Later we realized they were closing the whole park early due to low attendance. Can they do that? I'll have to look that up. So we were kinda pissed off, but the storm had arrived anyway and it was starting to sprinkle. We headed home and got to get in the HOV lane on I-25 to speed our way home. Woo-hoo!

My friend Julia arrives tomorrow morning. Ty and I will drive out to the airport to pick her up and then we'll go to lunch. She'll stay at her mom's though for Saturday night. Later in the evening, Joel, Ty and I are going over to Brent and Maya's house for a barbeque that they're having. Should be fun.

Our Exes Do Live in Texas

2006-08-30T23:02:00.000-06:00

It's not just a song, it's absolutely true. Both of our exes live in Texas. My ex-husband is currently stationed at a base in San Antonio, and Joel's beloved ex-wife lives in Houston. What made me think of this... well on Sunday I was in the kitchen and heard voices outside the bay window. I peeked out and saw that Joel, who had been working outside, was chatting with this really cute guy sitting in the driver's seat of his car. I simply thought he was some neighbor guy from down the street or whatever. Joel is friendly with all his neighbors. I fleetingly wondered if maybe Joel could hook me up with this guy. Remember now, Joel is just my pseudo-boyfriend. He's not a real boyfriend. I'll have to explain all that one day I suppose. It's just such a looooooong story.

Later that evening, Joel told me who he had been talking to. It was his ex-wife's first ex-husband, Phil. He just wanted to drive by and see if Joel still lived here. Wow! He actually made a special trip to the ghetto to see if Joel was here. Yep. The loser's still here.

"I didn't know Phil was that comfortable with me to just drive by and see if I was still living here," Joel said. "He still has Jax, and he's being a sparkplug as usual. I told him to 'come by with Jax any Saturday or Sunday; I'm usually here.' I said he could even drop him off for a couple hours if he wanted to."

Jax is a dog that Joel and his ex-wife Annmarie had before they divorced. When she abruptly left Joel in 2003, he couldn't keep Jax because of his extensive traveling schedule. Annmarie couldn't keep Jax either because she was moving to Texas to start her new career as a flight attendant. I think the story is that she called Phil and asked him if he wanted to adopt Jax (who was a year or two old), and so he did. I wonder if Phil really will come back here with Jax for a visit.

Phil told Joel that Annmarie is on Husband #3, a pilot for Continental. I said they should get the guy's name so he could join their club someday.

"What club?" Joel asked me.
"The Ex-Husbands Club," I smirked. "You guys could get together monthly for drinks or whatever and bitch about Annmarie."

Joel actually thought that was funny, which is odd because he does not care for my sense of humor. (One of the many many reasons why he is my pseudo-boyfriend. God, I can't wait to get out of this stupid relationship.)

I, on the other hand, kept my two dogs from my marriage, and my ex-husband Braden voluntarily pays me $200 every month in "doggy support." I love him. We don't speak much now as we did when we first divorced, which was done quite amicably in Cali. In 2004 he got stationed overseas for a couple years, and only recently has he returned to the States and is in Texas for a little awhile before going to his permanent assignment in Oklahoma. He will be at the same base as Joel's older sister Beth, whose husband is military as well. Hey, I just thought of something. On Sunday I had suggested to Joel that we go to Beth's for Thanksgiving. He thought that was a great idea and phoned her. Beth is all excited now. So if we're going to OK City for T-giving, maybe I'll be able to visit with Braden, who should be there by then. But maybe he won't be in town then; he might go to visit his family or significant other. Oh well. Just a thought. I'll have to shoot an e-mail off to him.

We e-mail only a couple times a year now. The last time was in February when our 12-year-old dog died suddenly (sniff sniff). The time before that was when Tyson was born in June 2005. Before that, I think we actually spoke on the phone. He was visiting the States and called me on my birthday in December 2004; I was a couple months pregnant then and was feeling very very bad. It was so nice that he called. I will never ever find another guy like him. I guess I have Divorce Remorse sometimes. That'll have to be a future blog title for sure.

He's Gay Straight

2006-08-29T00:13:00.000-06:00

Early Sunday morning, at 2:30 A.M. or so, the phone rang and my heart stopped for a second when the guy on the other end started talking. I thought it was Del, my former pseudo-boyfriend from Cali. (I know, I'm pathetic, to have two of these kinds of relationships.) After about 20 seconds of my heart palpitating, I asked "Who is this?"

"This is Joel. Don't fuck with me, okay?"

He was drunk of course. And his voice sounded all high and gay and drunk, exactly like Del's, and the only time he used to call me was when he was drunk. That was the only time he found me attractive too and wanted to have sex with me. Asshole.

So Joel was drunk and Gordon was passed out in his Jeep. Joel didn't know what to do. What a moron. I told him to call a taxi; that's a lot cheaper than getting a DUI. Then he proceeded to tell me how he met this guy Chris in the bar, and Chris looked familiar. So they started chatting and it turns out that Chris sold Joel some carpet from Home Depot about a year ago. Then Chris starts putting out "gay vibes" to Joel. Joel gets this a lot. He says he's not gay, but I say he has quite a few gay tendencies. According to me, he's a gay-straight male, meaning he is heterosexual but with lots of homosexual qualities and mannerisms. For example, his laugh. Joel does this high-pitched girly laugh. It's embarrassing really when he does it in public. One time he did the laugh at a friend's house and he jumped up and down while clapping his hands. His friend and I glanced at each other in an Oh-my-God-that's-so-gay moment.

Even my friend Julia, the one who will be here on Saturday from Cali, thought for the longest time that he was gay. She has known Joel for about 20 years, and she is the one who introduced us, an event she wishes had never happened and has apologized profusely for, but that is another story for another day. Joel went to high school in the late 80s with Julia's oldest son, Mick, and I think they were on the same wrestling team or something. Julia always thought Joel was after her son for a gay relationship. And I guess Joel acted gay, he never brought any girls to any parties at Mick's house, and he never spoke of having a girlfriend. Then came a day in 2000 when Joel announced he was engaged and moving to Denver to be with his future wife. Julia was shocked!

"I thought he was gay!" she said. "And he's marrying a woman?!"

When I first visited Joel in Denver, he said he had to take me to this bar/lounge near his home to show everyone that he's NOT gay. This sent up a red flag with me. One of a dozen of red flags back then. Why oh why didn't I pay attention to all these red flags? More about that in another post. So I was his "I'm-so-not-gay" arm candy that evening. We stayed for one drink, enough time for the regulars and the bartender to notice that he was with a chick and to conclude that "Oh, he's not gay." Riiiiiiight.

So the gay thing came up again that very early Sunday morning. I teased him about it, and he kept saying "not funny." The dumbass drove Gordon home in the Jeep he was passed out in, and then slept for a few hours at Gordon's house until his son Shane, who is 16 months old and just 2 months older than Tyson, woke up loudly at 7 a.m. Then Gordon's wife Peggy came crawling down the hall with stomach cramps or something. And there's Joel in the living room, wiggling his gay-straight fingers in a hello fashion.

I had pulled the all-nighter/all-morninger as planned. Ty and I gassed up the car at 8 a.m., got a Denver Post and ate Burger King for breakfast. He loves the French Toast and I love the ham, egg, and cheese croissanwich. I put him down at 8:30 or so for his morning nap when 15 minutes later Joel arrives home. He is bearing breakfast from Burger King-- French Toast for Tyson and a ham, egg, and cheese croissanwich for me. It was sweet really, because I don't eat BK breakfast very often. Maybe once every two months. So it was very nice of him, my gay-straight pseudo-boyfriend.

Will Work for Clothes

2006-08-27T00:02:00.000-06:00

I was in a comatose state today until 4 p.m. or so. And when I say today I mean Saturday, August 26th. I finally made it out of the house too, albeit was 7:50 p.m. but I made it to the mall with little Tyson in tow. We walked around the new Macy*s. They had quite a few suits that I wanted to try on, but for tonight I just looked. I figure if I get a nice suit for interviewing, then maybe I'll actually apply for a job just so I can wear the suit.

It'd be nice to be earning money again. I miss clothes shopping so much. I haven't really bought any nice clothes for a couple of years. Another reason is all the weight I've gained. When I first moved out here to Denver from California, I was a nice size 4. Now I'm like a size 10, and I feel so hefty. I have so many nice clothes in my closet, but I can barely get some of the pants and skirts past my thighs. It's ridiculous. I swore I'd never be this fat again, but it's taken only a year to gain 20 pounds, which on my 5'1" frame does not look good. Drugs, diet and exercise-- I need to be more consistent. At the end of July I told myself that if I could just lose 2 pounds a month, then I'd lose those 20 pounds by the end of next May, just in time for swimsuit season. But I eat whatever I want and am just a lazy ass.

Yesterday we went for a walk to Dairy Queen. It's about a mile away, so it was good exercise. I'm sure the chocolate-dipped cone negated any calories burned by walking, but still... it was a good stroll and it felt good to get out of the house, even if I looked like crap. Today I showered, curled my hair and put on makeup. I found some black "maternity" pants in my closet that fit me perfectly and wore a beige lacy Ann Taylor shirt with my brick red suede mules I purchased at Nordstrom maybe 3 years ago. The reason "maternity" is in quotes is because they're not really maternity pants. They're just regular size 8 pants from Banana Republic that I bought when I was 4 or 5 months pregnant and my usual size 4 pants were too tight. I remember that day when I bought quite a few things from Banana. Pseudo-boyfriend/baby papa, whom I shall now refer to as Joel, was getting on my case because of how much the clothes cost and when would I ever wear them again after the baby was born?

"It's my money and none of your business really," I told him.

He said that was true, and he just had to learn that I have a different spending style than he does. Which is absolutely true. He is happy to shop at Ross Dress for Less. I have 4 or 5 stores and labels that I am loyal to. Mostly Banana Republic, sometimes Gap for casual clothes, Victoria's Secret for jeans and some tops, The Limited (although not so much nowadays, especially because the nearest one is way down south at Park Meadows Mall). I love that Foley's is now Macy's; I love, love, love shopping at Macy's. That is where I shopped when I lived in Santa Barbara County.

Joel doesn't really have any money to spend on things. He works for a bank downtown doing super-secret stuff for a net income of $1808 a month. I, on the other hand, was making $2704 a month as a teacher here in Adams County. In California I was netting about $3400 a month, which was really really really nice, even though I was $50K in debt with credit cards. But my little condo had appreciated tremendously during the housing boom, so I sold it for over a quarter of a million and moved here to Colorado, with a nice profit of over $100K. I remember I paid off all my credit cards (WOW! that was a great feeling), put down $50K on my new, much larger house, and saved the rest, which is almost all gone now because that's what I've been living off of for the past year that I haven't been working. But at least my house is being rented out to two very nice young ladies, so my mortgage is now covered. The only expenses I have now are my auto and home insurance, my student loan, and some new credit card payments, which I don't know how this happened. I've fallen into the old habit of racking up debt for which there is nothing to show for. More musings on this another post.

Joel went out this evening with his best friend, Gordon. They don't go out often; maybe once a quarter. Gordon drinks waaaaay toooooo much and then drives himself home. If Joel drinks too much, at least he's smart enough to just hang out at the bar to sober up and then drive home. I do not drink very much nowadays, but the past couple of days I've been craving a margarita or some Jello shots. I even put out on the counter some tequila and lime Jello to make some, but I haven't yet.

Tomorrow is Family Day. I'm thinking maybe I'll get Joel to take me down to Cherry Creek to go shopping or Park Meadows. I'm going to pull an all-nighter/all-morninger to try to reset my circadian rhythm. This going to bed at 5 a.m. and sleeping until 1 p.m. or later has got to stop. I feel like a bad mother for neglecting Tyson in the mornings. Joel does wake him to change him and give him a bottle of milk, but he's not a baby anymore. He should be eating a good solid breakfast. I will be there tomorrow (Sunday) to make sure he is well-fed.

A New Day, A New Blog

2006-08-24T03:10:00.000-06:00

I awoke yesterday and it was still officially morning. In fact it was a full 20 minutes before noon. Such is my new dull life as a single unemployed-by-choice mom. That evening I decided that I would start a new blog. Whether I'll keep up with it is another question. But I like this theme so I think I'll stick with it.

I am 35 with a Masters degree in Education. And now I live in the ghetto. I call it a ghetto but my pseudo-boyfriend/baby papa doesn't. He refuses to use negative words. He won't say "cheap" because he thinks "inexpensive" is a nicer term. But I say he's a cheap bastard. More about that later in another post.

So here I am, in the ghetto. It's a trailer park in Thornton, which is a bedroom community north of Denver where pseudo-boyfriend/baby papa has been living for the past 5 years. I've been living here almost four months now, since May 2006, motivated mostly by financial reasons and some by baby (now a toddler) reasons. I actually own my own home, a very nice 3-bedroom, 2-bath ranch-style house with a huge unfinished basement in a very nice neighborhood in the growing part of northeast Thornton. I purchased it in October 2004, the month I unknowingly got pregnant. I love that house and miss it very much. Now I'm living in a trailer, or as pseudo-boyfriend/baby papa would call it, "a manufactured home."

It's actually one of the nicer trailers in the ghetto here. It has 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, 1 office room, and a huge long-ass garage. It's a roof over my head while I'm not working and have no real income. I was an elementary school teacher for 8 years- 7 in California and 1 here when I first moved to this area, a decision that I sometimes wish I could take back. But then I wouldn't have my precious little son, whom I do love but I still can't believe that I'm someone's mother.

I know I won't always live here in the ghetto. It's just a temporary situation, until next summer, or maybe the year after that, AT THE MOST. I was supposed to start working again, teaching this just-now-starting school year, but I've been so unmotivated. I know part of it is the depression, which hits me pretty badly every now and again. And part of it is that I'm not ready. I don't know if I want to stay in teaching or get into another career field. I want to make money; I know that. Enough to live my single life, fabulously of course, (Yes! I'm a Sex and the City girl) while taking into account the needs of this child I'm responsible for. I know that I will work soon, and the money I make I'll be able to sock away into retirement and put towards A NEW CAR!

The most exciting thing that happened to me today is that I spoke with my good friend, Julia, in California, and told her about an awesome airfare I found at united.com to Denver for Labor Day Weekend. We booked the flights tonight, and so she will be here next Saturday. I shall delight in showing her my new ghetto home.